It’s Roger’s birthday, and he begs to be roasted, but when he ends up devastated by the jokes, he vows to pull his life together. Things take a turn for the worse when Roger takes it one step too far, causing the Smith family to go on the run.
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In preparation for a neighborhood pool party, Stan tells his family to get in tip-top shape. But when an accident ruins the Smith family name, a humiliated Stan fakes his family’s deaths and moves everyone out of Langley Falls to escape his shame.
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Roger announces that he is putting a portfolio together so he can study crime scene photography. Meanwhile, Stan follows Steve around for the day and discovers that Steve shies away from obstacles, so he decides to bully Steve so that he will toughen up. But Francine does not approve of Stan’s approach and decides to help Steve stand up to Stan.
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While out tasting wines, drunken Roger kisses Francine, who decides to tell Stan about the incident.
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After Roger and Francine are victims of a mugging, Roger joins the police academy so he can learn how to defend himself and his loved ones, but he falls in with a corrupt cop (guest voice Bobby Cannavale, “Will and Grace”) who leads him astray. Meanwhile, Hayley’s new friendship threatens her long-term relationship.
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When Stan admits that his heroes include Ronald Reagan and the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team, including Michael Eruzione and Rob McClanahan (guest-voicing as themselves), Roger confesses that he played on the team as Chex LeMeneux. But when Roger comes clean that he took steroids to win, they both lose. Meanwhile, Reginald tries to win over Hayley by taking her to a concert.
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Stan gives Francine “love coupons” for Valentine’s Day, but refuses to honor them once he becomes preoccupied with his very own CIA cyborg. Meanwhile, Roger helps Steve and his friends remake a classic ‘80s movie.
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Stan puts down liberal social programs because he thinks they’re a waste of money and gives Francine a hard time for lending a helping hand at the local homeless shelter. When Stan develops a nasty addiction and needs help, he suddenly has a change of heart.
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When Francine demands that Stan get rid of his gas-guzzling SUV because it’s draining the family of money, he hatches a plan with Roger at the local horse track to avoid giving up his ride. Meanwhile, it’s up to Steve and his friends to help out an old friend.
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When the Smith family goes to church on Christmas Day, Stan is furious when he can’t get a good seat. While Francine tries to ease his frustration, a moment of divine intervention occurs.
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